Verbal Hemophilia of the Insignificant Details

My life is one big joke; I'm just waiting for the punchline.

So I met this guy a few months ago and everything about him was perfect, I immediately fell for him. Today he broke up with me because apparently he could never put 100% in and thinks I deserve better. I did everything I could while I was with him to be perfect for him, and he said I was. So why couldn’t he fall for me? Why couldn’t I ever be good enough? He cried and told me he really wanted to be friends and everything and I just stared at him like, “Are you fucking kidding me?” I can’t even look at him and he’s trying to hug me and saying he didn’t wanna hurt me and he’s been freaking out about it all week. My only response was that I wanted someone who was afraid of losing me not hurting me. Why does this type of stuff happen? Why when you feel incredibly happy and everything seems perfect, the other person is miserable? I feel so stupid. He told me many times that he felt like we were on two different levels of seriousness and I told him millions of times that I didn’t care about the seriousness of our relationship, that I just wanted now. So why do I suck so much? I tried so hard, he said I was perfect towards him, I just wasn’t for him. I just wanna know what I didn’t do or what I did do. Why couldn’t I ever make him as happy as he made me? Or was I just kidding myself the whole time, knowing that he never actually was in it, never actually there. Why couldn’t I have just been strong and anti-relationship like I usually am and just cut it off when he first started this bullshit. Or just not say yes when he asked me out because he already told me that he was never gonna get to my level. I just feel so stupid. I wanna forget about the past 4 months. Pretend it never happened so maybe it won’t hurt so much. My friend is completely ripping him apart and all I can do is defend him and get upset that anyone would say such awful things about him. How did I become that dumb girl who fell in love with the guy who she obviously was not that special to? I’ve always tried avoiding it, but I just walked into it. I even knew I was…

I save all the notes that have ever been left on my windshield. These go back to senior year of high school.

“Fortified freedom isn’t freedom at all.
Space to stretch legs confined by walls
Within your own box that liberty rings
Cross-faded dreams, confinement stings.
Criss-cross legs, no Indian style;
Politically correct to avoid offending the child?
Right, give ‘em more to worry about,
Tell ‘em stereotypes, anything to pull ‘em down.
Force values, views, violence, and blues.
Turn coarse vision, viewpoints all thanks to you.”

—   Palisade

Weight

Weight.

120 pounds of fat or sin?

Wait.

120 days of peace or deceit?

It comes down to who you are,

Not what you are.

You are not what they define you.

You are not what your hesitance states.

You are not their property.

You are you.

Your definition.

Your dream.

Your ambition.

You is what counts.

You is what matters.

Revisiting

This is where I was;

Skin itching, veins pulsing,

Screaming for action.

The rush of existence,

The pain of fading;

The mirror lies,

But the truth deceives.

What was one

Has now grown,

For doubt and fear

Suffocate the warrior inside.

I am but a shell,

A shell of potential

Shattered against the waves.

Explorers

I am on of many,

Lost in a sea of struggle

For individuality against

The identical uniqueness

Of fellow explorers.

My heart is true, 

But my mind wanders.

What is here,

What is yonder?

A prison unknown,

A freedom untouched.

Lemon Hope

Lemon Hope, my dear;

Sour to the tongue,

Sweet to the heart.

The mother’s blessing,

Father’s curse.

Tears of happiness,

Laughter from fear.

The pain of recollection, 

Relief for unconscious partings.

The mistake unforgiven, 

The theory unanswered.

Lemon Hope, my dear,

Is trading all hope

For comforting deception.