So I’m guessing when you decide to go through your boyfriend’s books you shouldn’t find his ex-girlfriend’s love note, then leave said note right next to his pot so he’ll see it the moment he gets home, then leave a long ass note explaining why you couldn’t put his clothes in the dryer before he got home because you were scared of talking to his dad…I’m guessing I kinda fucked up?
Anonymous asked: do you fantasize about suicide
I don’t know if I would call it fantasizing. I mean I don’t want to die or to kill myself, that’s human instinct. Do I think about it? Yes, but not as frequently as I used to. Do I plan different ways? Of course. Do I sometimes get mad because I’m human and afraid of death and too weak to carry it out? Definitely. But someone once told me that to deny death and refuse to commit suicide when every part of your being is screaming to means that you are strong. I like to believe that. Because in the end I’m not battling life, I’m battling this shitty depression that makes everything worse and makes me want to kill myself. But I won’t let it win.
It has won many battles, more than I like to admit. But it has not yet won the war.
Anonymous asked: So proud of you for living your life don't let anyone bring you down just keep sharing your time with people that love you
Well, I try. It’s been working so far :)
Anonymous asked: when was the last time you felt real happiness
well what is “real happiness?” Happiness as joy? Happiness as a whole, as in every party of my being feels good? Or just a moment of a smile? I don’t know if I ever experienced REAL happiness because usually in the back of my head I’m still worrying, or feeling guilty, or just shutting everything down from the inside out. I have happiest moments, but I don’t know if it’s real happiness. When I was little I found happiness just through pretending and playing. I didn’t need toys or friends, I had my imagination. As I got older happiness was just lying down and watching TV all weekend and not having to worry about class or sports practices. As I got older I found a fake happiness through alcohol and drugs. I’m not saying you can’t be happy doing these things; it just makes a really big difference when you’re with the right people. Sadly, I do admit. My most recent happiest times do usually have to do with sweet Mary Jane. At school my friends and I would go into the woods at night and find a spot to sit and smoke and we just unraveled there. We talked about god knows what, getting stoned, and learning who we were as long as each other. Now happiness collapsing on my boyfriends bed after a big hit, having everything swimming around me, dogs playing with me, him looking down at me with a huge smile, family guy is usually in the background. I don’t think weed makes me happy, I think it’s the people I share it with and how more open it and they have made me with my writing and feelings that makes me happy. I guess this is a lot longer of a response than expected. But then again, to define real happiness, no amount of words will fulfill.
Anonymous asked: hope you are doing well little sunflower
Maybe once the sunflowers bloom
Anonymous asked: what do you think about most
everything. Seriously? I think about writing and how one day I want to be someone great with influence. I think about what I’m gonna do the next day to better myself, but never actually do it, then think about how I’m a disappointment to myself. I guess I mostly just daydream about adventure and my future. But I waste my time daydreaming and not actually fulfilling the dreams.